Dear Mom

Ten years ago this month, I met Jesus in my dorm room. Nine years ago today my mother met him face to face.  Eternity is not so far away and because of Him we have hope. I wrote this letter to my mom when I was pregnant with Jude and thought I should continue as I celebrate her life through the void I feel on the anniversary of her death.

(from 2007)

Tuesday, November 20, 2007


Dear Mom

I can't believe how time has flown since you left.So much has happened but it feels like you have been gone forever....I wish I could remember your face more clearly or how your voice sounded. There is so much you have missed and I miss you more every day. I can't wait to get to heaven tell you about the kind of woman I became... About how much I grew to love our Jesus....

We went to say good bye to you today ,mom. It was so surreal. I can't believe your gone. I can't comprehend that I could search the whole earth andI wouldn't be able to find you. When I saw your closed casket I wanted to tear it open. I wanted so badly to see you one more time, mom.Do I really have to go on without you?...

Andrew took me on our first date tonight, mom. You were right about how he sparkles. I think he is the one, mom. He even asked to hold my hand. He took me on a carriage ride around Charleston and then we ate at blossoms....

 moved back in with dad today , mom. I was going to get an apartment with some of my friends but I didn't want dad to be alone. There is something familar and warm about being at home although there are memories of you around every corner...Sometimes I walk into the kitchen expecting to see you there...standing at the stove or coming down the stairs. I miss you so much mom...you made this house such a beautiful home....

Andrew asked me to marry him tonight mom.I am engaged! can you believe it? He washed my feet as Jesus did. He said he wanted to serve me forever. He dried my feet with a towel that was embroidered with "Lindsay will you marry me?." I am going to plan our wedding now, mom. Remember the dress we picked out a few weeks before you died? It was so silly. ..I didn't even have a boyfriend then. But I am so glad we did.That day was so special. You made me feel so beautiful! The dress you liked...that you said was your favorite....I am going to wear that dress, mom.


I got married today,mom.I missed you so much. We laid flowers for you...lillys..your favorite. It was such a beautiful day,mom. Now I am a wife. I found a letter that you started to write to me for my wedding day but you never finished..I wonder what you were going to say....What advice did you have for me...I miss you so so much, mom...

I graduated from college today, mom. I got two bachelors degrees. Can you believe it? I remember the summer before I started college you were so excited about it. Everywhere you went you would tell people that I was going to college. You were so proud.It has been hard, mom. After you died I wanted to quit. It was so hard to go back..but I knew you wanted me to finish. Tonight we had a graduation party. Dad gave me my present from you. A beautiful ring and a letter. You really thought of everything...I am going off into the real world now , mom....are you watching?

Roman James was born today,mom. A boy! He is the most beautiful baby. He looks like a Taylor. I gave him his middle name after your dad. I can't believe I am a mother. Now I realize how much love you had for me.I keep imagining how happy you would be...your a grandma,mom! Your first grandchild!..............

I finished my Masters degree today ,mom.I can only imagine how you would be throwing me the biggest party.It was hard work, mom. Especially having Romie and working, too.I rolled up my diploma and put it in the linen closet...I so badly wanted to call you and show it to you....

I am pregnant again,mom. Another boy! His name is going to be Jude Michael. I am so excited to have another son. You are going to be a grandma again. Roman is excited too. He often points to my tummy and says "Baby Dude." I am due March 15th right before the anniversary of your death...that time of year is so hard but God had given me another reason to rejoice.......

(cont. 2011)

Jude Michael is such a cute and spunky little boy. You would adore him! He had a rough second year of life and got really sick. There were so many times when I wished that you could have been with us. One night in particular we were at MUSC and he was so sick and dehydrated that they couldnt find a vein to get an IV. It made me think of all the times you had trouble with your veins and they collapsed when you were sick. It was almost too much to stand when they had to try his little head and feet. In a way I think that maybe God prepared me for that night. I know that he uses everything for our good. My heart so badly wanted you there through all of that.

When Jude was about a year we found out we were expecting another baby, a boy! Three sons, mom! Can you believe that!? Titus Reed was born in September and I am sure you had a great seat at that show! He has added so much to our little family. So often when I am playing with them I think of you and how much you would be eating them up. The simple things in life are so much fun with them. I wish you could just come and give them all a bath together so you could see what kind of fun and crazy is my normal. I experience so  much joy in being their mommy.

Andrew and I have been reading a book about this little boy that went to heaven. It has made me so much more excited aout eternity and where you are. To be reminded that we really will be reunited and that you will be with your grandsons. I just cant wait to hug your neck!

In the latest news, I am pregnant..again! Due in less than 3 monthes. We dont know if we are having a boy or a girl..but I am sure you know. I have a feeling you have already held your grandchild and called it by name. God is so good.Thank you for teaching me up until your last moments what it is to be a daughter of the King.Thank you for loving Him so much and never giving up on me, that I would one day love Him too. Thank you for teaching me how to be a mother through memories that I pull out of my childhood.

Thank you for leaving me snippets of what it will be like as we are ushered into his presence..and thank you for breathing and shouting out through your pain in those last moments, that you love me. Your wisdom and selflessness continued until the end and long after you were gone.

I love you more than words can say and my heart misses you more every moment.

Your Loving Daughter,

Lindsay