Growing up in high school and middle school most of my best friends were boys. Many of you know that I dated the same guy from the 7th grade to my freshmen year in college- with a few breakups and some other guys in between...but this guy was my best friend..he was my everything. I also had some other guy friends and his friends were my friends. As I got into my later years I did develop some close girl friends but never felt I was really "good' at the whole girl- friend type thing. It was something that I learned slowly and grew accustomed to over time and as I entered my adult life. My freshmen year of college I lived with four girls and then my second year I lived with another girl and started to explore and understand these friendships. Over the years I have seen friendships end and change and I have reflected on whats important and how and where friends fit into our lives. I remember when I first moved here and met my friend Elizabeth we connected right away..within a week we were at the mall buying those split best friend necklaces.If only friendships continued to be that simple. At this point in my life I have the most amazing friends I have ever had. Quality reigns over quantity.I can count my besties on one hand..much more than that and I can't be a good friend to anyone..and why would I want that? I take my relationships seriously. I have limited time at this season in my life and thats ok. I cherish my girl friends who are walking with me!
The Right Chemistry
I have always been a very private person and in the past I thought I was just especially guarded but what I have come to realize is that when God has brought a friend into my life it is almost like a soul- mate as in a romantic relationship. There is a chemistry and that feeling like you have known this person forever. In these friendships I can truly be myself and it is beautiful. Looking back on the friendships I was guarded in.. were with people I had red flags about- i never fully trusted them and because of that I never let my walls down even though we were "friends" for years. I was talking to a friend who was struggling with this the other day.I explained that sometimes you click with people and sometimes you don't and that's okay. It doesn't mean there is anything wrong.
The Same Values
Alot of factors contribute to having the right chemistry and i think alot of it comes down to having the same values. I know that my best friends have the same core values as me. I have friends that share my passion for fitness, share my passion for whole foods, share my passion for THRIVING on little money and being frugal, share my passion for Jesus, share in my specific struggles of the flesh, share in my core parenting values. Some of my best friends share all these values and some just share a few. If your circle of friends doesn't share your core values then maybe you need to get some new friends.
Proximity
As I have gotten into parenting two little ones I have found proximity is important. My schedule is so full and I have so much riding on my shoulders that it is important to have friends close by. I live my life between Summerville(my residence) and Mount Pleasant (because thats where both sets of parents,church, and two of our doctors offices are)..so it makes sense that it is easier for me to keep up with friends that are close by.
Seasons and Reasons
I have heard alot of women confused about friendships and seeing friends come and go or frienships "change." In my experience God gives us friends for the long haul and sometimes he will bring someone into our lives for a season- either to help us grow or to help us in a specific situation. When this time is over there may not be anything else holding the relationship together- and thats okay! just remember- friendship for a reason or a season.Dr Jan Yager coined the term "friendshifts" which I love. It refers to the natural separation of friends which I was just explaining. She explains that one can feel hurt or betrayed when they don't understand the normal and predictable pattern of friendshifts.
Toxic Friends
Ever encounter one of these? Bet you have! A long time ago I studied the jezebel spirit which is so common in women and women in the church. A toxic friend is someone that leaves you feeling drained- they are always negative- always talking about negative things- always worried. They also can come in the form of always making you feel less than the person you are. I used to know someone that would always throw in catty comments in a conversation.It drove me nuts!Slander is another energy sucker. It grates me the wrong way when someone claims to follow Christ and then will sit there and slander others in the church. Toxic.Sometimes God allows us to have people like this in our lives but proceed with caution.limit the amount of time you spend with these people or they will suck the life out of you!
Getting In
I have found my best friends through church and through a Christian organization called MOPS. If you are having a hard time finding friends join a bible study, a small group, a parenting class, a moms group.Just put yourself out there and be prayerful! Years ago I was praying for a new friend.I decided to attend a MOPS group at someones suggestion and I had been wanting to get involved with Some same value mommys in this area. That morning I sat down at the meeting in the back row ...by myself. Not long after a girl approached and asked if she could sit down. Sure! We started talking and really connected. We exchanged numbers and met at the gym later in the week. She told me all about her husband and how they met etc. It took us a while to put it together but Andrew and I had been friends with her husband years ago as singles at seacoast. Today, Emily and Jared are some of our best friends- part of our family- sharing life with us...God heard my prayer and brought me my friend!
Getting Out
So what do you do about a toxic person in your life? the first thing I would say is to pray for discernment in all your friendships. You can avoid alot of toxicity if you can discern before hand what is going on. Be prayerful before jumping in and giving someone a friendship bracelet. As I have encountered before it sometimes too late. I have before been so deep in that all I could do was pray. Alot of times especially in church we find that our lives cross in so many areas with a friend it is hard to break ties..for instance if you work with someone and they are also in your small group, playgroup etc. You can always pray that God will relocate them to Australia. In all seriousness, I have found prayer to be so effective. On my own strength I have never been able to end a toxic friendship but God has allowed circumstances to prevail that have allowed me an out. Not that this is ever easy but God always gives us strength and wisdom when we seek Him. In the mean time limit the amount of time you spend with this person..don't be rude but don't become a "yes" person either. Remember you are playing to an audience of one. Get your priorities straight and stop worrying so much what other people think.
Live and Learn
Relationships are always a growing process. Looking back there are situations I could have handled differently... but you learn and you grow..and then you write a blog and hope something you said will help someone else. Let me know what you think/experiences/ thoughts in the comments section....
9 comments:
Linds, apparently this really struck a chord with me today because tears are gushing from my eyes! I really needed to read this. After moving back here 2 years ago (can you believe it's been that long?!) I have yet to really make any real friends. You would think having moved every 3 years or so growing up, that I would find it easy to make friends. I've always considered myself to be somewhat of a private person, too until recently I've realized that really I'm hiding. I fear that if I do allow myself to become friends with someone they will discover that I'm not perfect and will see my faults. Which is crazy because I've never claimed to be perfect! Ideally, I wish you could've just moved across the street from us here and it would be like old times :)
Lindsay, This is a very thoughtful post. You have some of the sweetest and caring friends I know. I am very proud to not only call you my sister-in-law, but also my friend. I have also had to learn that you cannot be friends with everybody and that a few close friends is much more important. Like you said, there is a season for everything, sometimes even friendships (too bad you're stuck with me). :) My very best friend growing up was your hubby, my brother Andrew; especially in high school. He watched out for me and we did so much together. There is no one else in the world like him (except I think Roman will be).
Great post Lindsay! You did an amazing job on explaining things that I haven't really thought about before with some of my different friendships! Even though we don't ever hang out, thanks for being a friend in my life! Maybe we can change that one day! :)
GREAT blog! Seriously, this is something that I have been thinking a ton about lately. Spreading yourself too thin does not allow you to be a good friend to anyone and yes, quality over quantity is so key. I think it is hard for us ladies to accept that someone was in our life at one time and isn't anymore. It feels awkward, like we did something wrong when in actuality, it is part of life. I am a believer that God has a purpose for every 'friendship' and 'relationship' we have...whether it be a friendship that lasts years or a chance encounter. All of your points are SO true. Well written!
Lindsay,
I guess the key is balance in friendships as well as in life in general. As far as "toxic" friends go, sometimes God has put those people in our lives to love (again in balance) because no one else will. Sometimes there are things that we can help teach and also learn ourselves, therefore building God's kingdom on love, not just avoidance. I've had people love me and teach me despite some of my character flaws that might have been considered "toxic" but in reality I just didn't know any better. I didn't become a Christian until age 20 so I felt I was "behind" and had to "catch up" with everyone else. I didn't know any of the Bible stories or songs growing up, not to mention how to have a healthy relationship with anyone. So I'm very thankful for my "spiritual mom" and other friends who took me under their wings and they are still teaching me things. By God's grace, I've grown a lot in friendships, and hopefully some of my "toxity" is gone now but especially when I'm nervous it comes out.
Guy friends seem to not pay attention to a lot of things that girl-friends nit pick about so I felt more at ease with guys too. Scotty and I started out as friends and we just grew our friendship into a marriage! And it's still growing!
Well, I'm being long-winded so I'll stop. But thank you for your blogs! I always enjoy reading them.
Sharon- that is so sweet.Brought tears to my eyes. I love the thought of you and Andrew being so close.and you are right- he is one of a kind! I treasure our friendship!
Ronda- I agree, we must have love and not avoidance as true followers of Christ.That is amazing that you had such wonderful people to mentor you.I know how important this is as I also became a Christian in my 20's! I agree with Lee that every relationship serves a purpose and we are called to be teachers and to teach. As far as toxic friends go I was admonishing to those Christian friendships of ours that I often see people in that are destructive.These friendships are usually between friends that are in the same peer group and stage of life and are not of the mentoring/mentee relationship.Blessings to you and your girls!
Great post Linds. You still have your half of the necklace...right?
:)
This is a great post. The only thing I would add is that even "good" friendships have their seasons of struggle. One of my most treasured friendships now is an example of one that has been refined by fire. We clicked immediately when we met, but we both hit spiritual rough patches and did not respond well to each other a couple of years later(we did not struggle with the same things at the same times, and we did not treat each other with love). We ended up not spending much time together for about 6 months - only enough to stay in touch. But, as we grew in faith and understanding, we were able to see where we both were wrong in our treatment of the other. And now, our relationship is stronger than ever. She is a true blessing in my life and a friend forever. So, for awhile, our relationship was toxic - catty, judgmental comments; a lack of spiritual encouragement; etc. But we now have one of the most special friendships I have ever been blessed with. It's an example of God's faithfulness that he has allowed us to benefit from a renewed relationship!
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